I'm not proud

 I'm not proud, I'm so afraid, I'm so unappreciative with the things I have. Developed pessimism which accounts for why all of this hurts no matter how big, no matter how small.

My likes are things some of those I rely on would tear me apart for. I can't come out about the things that will never see the light of day, like being someone of the furry community, which anyone who is a non-furry would know that that would mean I'm some weirdo and freak, a not normal member of society, maybe even acclaimed to be a zoophile just because I like anthropomorphized animals despite the community itself disliking them a whole damn lot.

Not everyone can like everything, but that doesn't mean I have to be kicked in the skull for liking something so harmless, so small that becomes big just because humanity hates it a whole lot, but what can I do?

I just want to like, leave them and stop hiding forever, but at the same time I am guilty of cutting ties unexpectedly despite them not wanting me for who I am. I don't know how much longer I can be secretive about this whole matter of being me, but I really yearn for someone like me to be close, like, I haven't found that person yet and all attempts have ultimately failed because they either cut ties first or they are superficial.

I'm not suicidal anymore, I've kinda stop trying to end my life, since I've failed an attempt before, but I still have been getting worse with depression. Putting it on the scale, I think I have mild depression, which isn't bad, but I see myself going downhill since I know it may get worse and worse with the current conditions at the moment. 

Some can even say I'm a hikikomori, or basically some person who cannot leave their room, or apartment (even if that is not my case with living with my parents), since I do have slight cabin-fever from all the hobbies I do. (Guitar, music production, drawing and doing this shit) But that is not really my largest concern.

I'm attempting to stay with the flow as I see there is no reason to worry about the future. You can tell I'm not good at it yet as I just vented about my idea of myself in like 4-5 years given my current conditions, but I want to lose it because doing so will allow me to have less worries with things about my control. 

Speaking of which, I might email my teacher later regarding a project with art. I have started a rough draft which I procrastinated on for a hefty while, but that's okay, because it's better than nothing.

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