Going Beyond Simply Saying "I just hate my life"

 I forget sometimes like today, so I didn't sit in the correct seat in Spanish 1a. That was quite embarrassing, and I feel it may have been for anyone else. So I didn't mind so I decided to talk here about it. So, I'm probably awaiting my assigned seat or something. I don't know honestly but that's all I gotta say this morning.

 Fuck, this is stupid. I hate one of my friends and I don't like it. I just wanna be with him and with another friend who I am in on discord almost everyday of the weeks. I don't know why exactly hate him, but I know I'm just probably feeling clingy again. Sure, a friend can't be with us the entire time we live. But I still have the cling that I cannot lose. Its shitty, I know, and I feel this will destroy myself in the upcoming years. I just wanna gain peace with this friend, but I always feel he doesn't care even if he strongly actually does. I don't know how to settle this, fuck, shit, I'm gonna die.

 School is tomorrow and I don't know what to feel. I'm not anxious about everything except for navigating to the correct classes. It seems there will be some confusion but since I went to the open house I should know where to go. We're not going to our homerooms, but except going to our first period. The way it works is that the days switch between A and B day. Tomorrow is an A Day. I'm also anxious about if the bus will have a spot for me. I suffered at that when I was younger and was in lower grades, so I hope I can get a spot. My stop comes at 8:10 AM, which allows me to sleep a little longer. And the last thing I'm anxious about is having Gym. For me, I have Gym for both semesters, even if I wanted it for only one semester, but it seems that didn't work.

 I'm afraid to fail things, I'm afraid to fall off, I'm afraid to look bad. I wanna be perfect, even if I know I probably won't. Well, that's just the truth, you can't be perfect, you cannot be perfect. No one can be perfect, its why we should let go, but I feel like if I let go of too many criticism, I will become more shitty. Thats why I'm balanced with this, but failing is a #1 thing that will block me from getting to things. Its like saying "no pain no gain". Which I find true, but for some reason I find it fine just to be me and not get any pain. Heartbreak gets us somewhere I guess, I don't know, thats just what my mom says to me sometimes.

 I wanna speak for me piece sometimes, but that never happens. Say for example, there's an answer I know in a question asked in school, but I'm always afraid I'm gonna get it wrong. I never raise my hand when I know it, so when the right answer was something I knew, I throw myself apart and just remember that this doesn't matter anymore. I'm afraid to fail, I'm afraid to look bad, I care about what others think of my mental image. But they don't care, I'm just destroying myself.

 Whenever I schedule something, it will never happen. Or has a good chance to be ruined. A good example? Trying to be with people I love, people who are my buddies, people who are my friends. It never happens.  There was a time where I was gonna play Minecraft with someone I knew, but they told me to wait. They never came, like guessed. All I received was an apology but left me pissed for some days until I slowly and silently went to peace with them.

 I have been told by a friend before that the light at the end of the tunnel is there, and they could help me get there. I believe this won't be true, I don't see efforts, plus it is not worth being helped to get far. I'm just extra weight, a burden, a nothing. A heap of nothing that should never be carried, because if you do. You'll just not get anywhere. Whatever I may say when I say "thanks", is not a thanks, and is just an attempt to cover stuff up underneath this mask of smile and happiness.