Going Beyond Simply Saying "I just hate my life"

 Like from two posts ago, I mentioned a friend group I hated. Going back, the friends I still have that still have contact to the ones from the friend group I hate, I REGRET INTRODUCING THEM, WHAT HAVE I REALLY DONE? 

My scenario for escapism is of being a furry, that's what I've wanted to be as I was growing up from elementary, I closeted my desire until now, where I openly am a furry, with of course, removing some friends to show my true colors behind closed doors.  Sometimes, though, I feel like I haven't fulfilled it, I want to be a furry at full potential, but it sucks because it feels like something is wrong but in reality, nothing is wrong. I can't even open up, not even to my sibling.

There is a friend group made sometime I assume in 2022 on Discord after the use of group chats due to a single person annoying others. I won't mention names to protect identity, but I'll only put an initial. I hate this group, I was part of it's 'regime' beforehand, but this server used to be cool, it was created by let's say, someone named 'A'. A was a cool person, he is quite nice at first, and I did join some of his older servers before the creation of this group. He made a discord bot give everyone an admin role, that's where other individuals from older group chats join such as N and J. Now, it was all well, we had fun, but my first issue was created after the mention of playing games, it was tiring, I didn't want to join VC forever and play with A, N and J.  It was boring sometimes, and even in some cases I wanted to have time with myself, but no, I couldn't. It all began with just simple Roblox or Garry's Mod. It got worse after a

 Today I fucked up my connection with my mom once again with my dumbass short temper and anger issues, I'm starving myself right now and haven't eaten at all today. I have decided with my mom I should start working for the summer, but issue is my short temper fucks up everything when my mom brings up working for her in the middle of something, like for example today I was trying to work on a YNFG (Yume Nikki Fangame) and my mom calls out, where I get pissed instantly. Now I'm just typing this, while starving, I refuse to go downstairs because my mom hates me.  To add on to that, the parchment paper in the toaster lit on fire when my mom was heating up her breakfast, keep in note, my mom is mad already for my attitude.  And I did nothing, literally nothing, I'm apathetic as hell, it's gross and ugly. It's repulsive even, who the hell am I anymore? Just an abomination living in his home during summer break.

Burnt out, just burnt out. I work myself up too much, and I fucked it up. All the hobbies I liked are gone to nothing, and it's not good. Why, just why. So dumb, I despise my workaholism.

 I'm so ugly, like, growing facial hair makes me look like a loser, a grown ass man one had told me. Like, sure facial hair isn't nice at this age, but man, people bash me for it. I hate me, my own physical self, everything about my face, i hope i don't look this way the years coming up.

 It's so easy to give up that it's funny. I wish I wasn't this way, and it seems like nothing really improved over the time, this wound isn't healing and I'm still a general mess-up. I wish I wasn't bad, so useless and worthless to the world. Why haven't I just died? It's easier than I think to kill myself, but I never brought myself to do it, still living in agony in this world people call a 'life'. I hate this 'life', because really, nothing is changing for me. Nobody is gonna look out for me and everything will be the same even if I'm alive or not.