Going Beyond Simply Saying "I just hate my life"

 Today I fucked up my connection with my mom once again with my dumbass short temper and anger issues, I'm starving myself right now and haven't eaten at all today. I have decided with my mom I should start working for the summer, but issue is my short temper fucks up everything when my mom brings up working for her in the middle of something, like for example today I was trying to work on a YNFG (Yume Nikki Fangame) and my mom calls out, where I get pissed instantly. Now I'm just typing this, while starving, I refuse to go downstairs because my mom hates me.  To add on to that, the parchment paper in the toaster lit on fire when my mom was heating up her breakfast, keep in note, my mom is mad already for my attitude.  And I did nothing, literally nothing, I'm apathetic as hell, it's gross and ugly. It's repulsive even, who the hell am I anymore? Just an abomination living in his home during summer break.

Burnt out, just burnt out. I work myself up too much, and I fucked it up. All the hobbies I liked are gone to nothing, and it's not good. Why, just why. So dumb, I despise my workaholism.

 I'm so ugly, like, growing facial hair makes me look like a loser, a grown ass man one had told me. Like, sure facial hair isn't nice at this age, but man, people bash me for it. I hate me, my own physical self, everything about my face, i hope i don't look this way the years coming up.

 It's so easy to give up that it's funny. I wish I wasn't this way, and it seems like nothing really improved over the time, this wound isn't healing and I'm still a general mess-up. I wish I wasn't bad, so useless and worthless to the world. Why haven't I just died? It's easier than I think to kill myself, but I never brought myself to do it, still living in agony in this world people call a 'life'. I hate this 'life', because really, nothing is changing for me. Nobody is gonna look out for me and everything will be the same even if I'm alive or not.

 I forget sometimes like today, so I didn't sit in the correct seat in Spanish 1a. That was quite embarrassing, and I feel it may have been for anyone else. So I didn't mind so I decided to talk here about it. So, I'm probably awaiting my assigned seat or something. I don't know honestly but that's all I gotta say this morning.

 Fuck, this is stupid. I hate one of my friends and I don't like it. I just wanna be with him and with another friend who I am in on discord almost everyday of the weeks. I don't know why exactly hate him, but I know I'm just probably feeling clingy again. Sure, a friend can't be with us the entire time we live. But I still have the cling that I cannot lose. Its shitty, I know, and I feel this will destroy myself in the upcoming years. I just wanna gain peace with this friend, but I always feel he doesn't care even if he strongly actually does. I don't know how to settle this, fuck, shit, I'm gonna die.

 School is tomorrow and I don't know what to feel. I'm not anxious about everything except for navigating to the correct classes. It seems there will be some confusion but since I went to the open house I should know where to go. We're not going to our homerooms, but except going to our first period. The way it works is that the days switch between A and B day. Tomorrow is an A Day. I'm also anxious about if the bus will have a spot for me. I suffered at that when I was younger and was in lower grades, so I hope I can get a spot. My stop comes at 8:10 AM, which allows me to sleep a little longer. And the last thing I'm anxious about is having Gym. For me, I have Gym for both semesters, even if I wanted it for only one semester, but it seems that didn't work.