Going Beyond Simply Saying "I just hate my life"

 I forget sometimes like today, so I didn't sit in the correct seat in Spanish 1a. That was quite embarrassing, and I feel it may have been for anyone else. So I didn't mind so I decided to talk here about it. So, I'm probably awaiting my assigned seat or something. I don't know honestly but that's all I gotta say this morning.

 Fuck, this is stupid. I hate one of my friends and I don't like it. I just wanna be with him and with another friend who I am in on discord almost everyday of the weeks. I don't know why exactly hate him, but I know I'm just probably feeling clingy again. Sure, a friend can't be with us the entire time we live. But I still have the cling that I cannot lose. Its shitty, I know, and I feel this will destroy myself in the upcoming years. I just wanna gain peace with this friend, but I always feel he doesn't care even if he strongly actually does. I don't know how to settle this, fuck, shit, I'm gonna die.

 School is tomorrow and I don't know what to feel. I'm not anxious about everything except for navigating to the correct classes. It seems there will be some confusion but since I went to the open house I should know where to go. We're not going to our homerooms, but except going to our first period. The way it works is that the days switch between A and B day. Tomorrow is an A Day. I'm also anxious about if the bus will have a spot for me. I suffered at that when I was younger and was in lower grades, so I hope I can get a spot. My stop comes at 8:10 AM, which allows me to sleep a little longer. And the last thing I'm anxious about is having Gym. For me, I have Gym for both semesters, even if I wanted it for only one semester, but it seems that didn't work.

 I'm afraid to fail things, I'm afraid to fall off, I'm afraid to look bad. I wanna be perfect, even if I know I probably won't. Well, that's just the truth, you can't be perfect, you cannot be perfect. No one can be perfect, its why we should let go, but I feel like if I let go of too many criticism, I will become more shitty. Thats why I'm balanced with this, but failing is a #1 thing that will block me from getting to things. Its like saying "no pain no gain". Which I find true, but for some reason I find it fine just to be me and not get any pain. Heartbreak gets us somewhere I guess, I don't know, thats just what my mom says to me sometimes.

 I wanna speak for me piece sometimes, but that never happens. Say for example, there's an answer I know in a question asked in school, but I'm always afraid I'm gonna get it wrong. I never raise my hand when I know it, so when the right answer was something I knew, I throw myself apart and just remember that this doesn't matter anymore. I'm afraid to fail, I'm afraid to look bad, I care about what others think of my mental image. But they don't care, I'm just destroying myself.

 Whenever I schedule something, it will never happen. Or has a good chance to be ruined. A good example? Trying to be with people I love, people who are my buddies, people who are my friends. It never happens.  There was a time where I was gonna play Minecraft with someone I knew, but they told me to wait. They never came, like guessed. All I received was an apology but left me pissed for some days until I slowly and silently went to peace with them.

 I have been told by a friend before that the light at the end of the tunnel is there, and they could help me get there. I believe this won't be true, I don't see efforts, plus it is not worth being helped to get far. I'm just extra weight, a burden, a nothing. A heap of nothing that should never be carried, because if you do. You'll just not get anywhere. Whatever I may say when I say "thanks", is not a thanks, and is just an attempt to cover stuff up underneath this mask of smile and happiness. 

 I would probably never take drugs, because I'm afraid of anti-depressants and stimulants. They probably won't help me and would just feel like a temporary happiness that is basically a facade. It will wear off, I wanna feel truly happy. Not just from some janky drug that I took to feel that way, I'm not that desperate yet, and plus it can fuck my life up and shorten it. Valium, codeine, morphine, whatever it is. Would never take it or use a dose at all. LSD is not an option either, I just wanna look for the light, but it seems to not be bright.

 Saying this like a stupid ass, I just wanna be loved. I don't know if I've repeated saying that. But I still feel no one loves me, even if they seem to do. It makes me feel torn, and I want it to go away. But I seem to never grasp the feeling of being loved even if it is "there".  I don't want a lot of friends, but I have close ones currently because I was forced to socialize with them. Drugs will not help me, anti-depressants are never an option, they just scare me.

 I have cabin fever, or basically I'm kind of partly a hikikomori. If you didn't know, those are the isolated who live their final life inside, and they never go outside. They usually become hoarders, because they don't give the trash or something. I never wanna go outside, because I fear of the outside world. I feel like I could just get shot in the head as soon as I walk out on the first step. Life if just full of uncertainty that it prevents me from exiting my own home. Eventually I will have to leave my home anyways, because I can't just be here forever. I have life ahead of me, and its a goal that pushes me out eventually. Going to college which I do want to do is something that I'm gonna dig into. It's gonna get to me anyways. I'm not a hoarder but I still seem to collect more trash randomly, but I still throw away. The state of my room isn't as bad as thought, just a little messy.

 Well, this is my first blog post without it looking like me just typing out a vent. Some upsides of disappearing in my vision is:    Complete loss of being the clingy ass I am and lose whatever negative feeling it is I keep in. Learn to live on my own. Will stop comparing myself to others. Downfalls: Complete heartbreak, I want to see them again. Isolation from my family, meaning I'll feel more clingy, since I'm afraid of the outside world hurting me and harming me. People will miss me.

 I hate isolation, and sometimes I love it. I hate it terribly whenever I know someone made me feel the way I do whenever I have been dumped or ran away from. I only love it when I wanna isolate myself on my own, without the need of anyone. It's a relieving feeling, and its how I made the thought of disappearing entirely. If I disappear entirely, then there would be no more grudge having to do with this. No friends, no people around means no need to feel clingy right? That's where I'm trying to go, but I'm afraid I'm going to die if I don't have them. Comes back to my clingy self, I'm like two faces, one who wants to leave everything behind without a trace, and the other being one who wants to stick to society in fear of them disappearing will lead to eternal pain.

 I'm very clingy in general, it makes me shitty when I feel like people are gonna leave me alone with only myself. I will get into an outrage whenever it is done, and it makes me feel terrible in the end. I have done this since I was in the 6th grade, I would cry and get so pissed because my friend had to go inside while we were outside.  I feel like I was a piece of shit during that time because I think I made my friend the way he is now. He now feels like a slave because I always want him outside, and that made me feel bad, like so bad. How did I find this out? Well, my friend's sister who is kinda younger than me at the time told me in my face. It shocked me and well, made me feel terrible. That's why I stopped playing with him outside for ages.  He still acts like he is a piece of shit sometimes; my friend somehow is permanently someone who calls himself a loser all the time. I don't know how he developed this sort of thing. But it seems to have got to him because h

 I'm tired of me, I guess that doesn't make sense at first, but thats how I feel. I'm a person out there who can't express their self because of the backlash that may come upon them from not only strangers, but also friends I know. I don't wanna lose them, and I get clingy about it. I wanna change and be someone new that others would find more likeable. I don't care about getting a spouse or some shit, I just don't wanna be seen as someone who is stupid because they are trying to be their own self. They wanna be who they wanna be, but people will always disgrace them. I'm tired of feeling this way, I just wanna feel more likeable in society, but that is probably impossible and the only thing I can do is to deal with it and receive sucker punches here and there, no matter if I like it or not.

 I have random desires to vanish, random desires to disappear. I know no one will remember me sincerely, no one would care if I vanished, even if I had no trace of where I may be, no one would care, and life will move on over and over again. I have no one to help me in this so that is a way to add up that no one cares.  Sure, I have family who cares about me, but I'm not talking about them. I have "friends" who "care" about me, but it never seems that way. They also have their own problems too, so that leads me to try to help them, but thats explained in another blogpost.  The desire to fade away has been something, and I've considered it before, but have never actually done it. I'm thinking there may be a sliver of hope, but most is all bleak and won't go anywhere at all. School also starts soon, which I hate.

 I feel like I can't help anyone around me, I can't help my friends or my family if they are in a distress. I try whenever I see them in turmoil to help them. But whatever I do won't work, and either nothing works, or nothing is gained, or whoever I'm trying to help is never gonna take in whatever advice I have to give. It always ends up like that, even if I'm trying to provide whatever help I never had when I was in a shallower depressed state.  It's like everything falls apart when I touch it, its like blowing a fire out with your lungs but it just grows bigger. Nothing helps at all for them and makes me feel like shit in the end. I'm trying to find help on my own but nothing is coming up. I feel very isolated and try to help, but nothing will work, its like failed sorting algorithms I made, they never work and return a billion errors or something.

 Where do I start, I have so much grudges in my daily life. It won't stop, the suffering never stops and probably won't ever come to a stop. I hate being in this eternal hell with my life being shit all the time. Venting is all I can do to feel better, but these vents are getting lengthy so I'll definitely have to document them over time. This is just like what sign crushes motorist sings about on Spotify and is so relatable to me.